To Be Free
by Arow
Summary: After reading OotP I didn't want to beleave that sirius was dead. So hears what I think happened. Its more than a little angst
1. Falling into darkness

A/N: Hi the second of my fics this ones weird it cane off toe top of my head, after reading OotP I didn't want to believe that Sirius just died so I wrote this. Hope you like it and remember to R&R!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter full stop! *.*  
  
To Be Free.  
  
Yes he was out and fighting revenge on all those involved in destroying his life, for 14 years he'd suffered and now it was pay back time and he was going to enjoy it.  
  
His least favourite cousin stood before him she looked drawn and old, Azcaban had striped her of all her former beauty. He laughed to himself for is arrogance at the fact that not to long ago he himself looked that way.  
  
He ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light. He looked up at her angry face and laughed at her.  
  
"Come on you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.  
  
Arrogance got the better of him he let his guard down and in those fleeting seconds the second get of red light hit him squarely in the chest. He felt himself being thrown backwards and then suddenly into darkness.  
  
The darkness surrounded him, he was still falling. He could hear his name being called...... it was Harry.....it sounded so distant, muffled.  
  
He was still falling non of this made sense, his head was buzzing it was hard to think to breath. He clutched at his chest he couldn't breath his head was swimming. Was he going to die alone in the dark. But wait he was in the ministry building fighting Bellatrix..........  
  
He couldn't think over the screaming in his head he needed air!  
  
As a last resort he summoned all his strength and slammed his fist into his chest, it racked his body and he began to choke but then he was breathing. He gulped down the air till the screaming in his head subsided.  
  
THUDDDDDDD!  
  
The sound of him hitting rock bottom seemed to echo all around him.  
  
He lay there still breathing heavy. He slowly heaved himself up onto his elbows and looked around at his surroundings. Not much could be sed for them it was black as pitch with no visible...... anything's.  
  
He pulled himself to his feet and called out. "Hello?" the very sound of his words seemed to be swallowed up by the darkness. He took two steps forward and stooped. It was like walking through water the darkness was holding him back!  
  
He went to move again but stooped another thought coming to him. 'I was falling....what if this is just a ledge... I might fall again!'  
  
What was he going to do? Where was he? Where was every one else!?  
  
He clenched his fists as a strange feeling crept up on him. Then he suddenly realised in his right hand he looked down at it. 'Strange even in the darkness I can still see myself' He lifted his wand in front of him "Lumos!" again the darkness swallowed his words but it worked a light appeared at the tip of his wand. He looked around the light barley penetrated a foot around itself, this was bad.  
  
Again a strange feeling crept up on him......as if someone or something was watching him, and this feeling was often rite, years of being a dog had given him a six sense even in human form.  
  
He straitened up slowly puling himself to his full height making himself look big, another trait gathered from his dog form. He slowly turned his head to look behind him, and then quickly spun around wand at the ready but nothing was there. Yet the feeling remained.  
  
He couldn't hear a thing except his own unsteady breathing.  
  
He couldn't tell where the eyes watching him were, maybe if he was........in the blink of an eye a bear sized dog stood were the man once was its black fur almost rendering him invisible in the darkness only his eyes seemed to glow with a strange light the deep steely blue peering around for any sine of movement, his ears pricked up for the slightest sound, his nose twitching for a sent to alert him to another presence.  
  
Still nothing but the darkness surrounded him, but still the feeling remained, and now his anger was mounting. He growled in frustration and tried to shake the feeling off but to no avail.  
  
His anger slowly slipped away only leaving sorrow and confusion. He lay down and whimpered, he closed his eyes and it that second he felt a rush of air go past him. His eyes snapped open and jumped to his feet, he looked around bus saw nothing.  
  
He glared at the darkness around him and began to wonder were he was ignoring the feeling that unwanted eyes were on him, after what seemed like hours of gusts blowing past him made by nothing he began to wonder if he was dead and this was hell?  
  
'Well it sure cant be heaven, and whatever this damn thing is that keeps bugging me is well this must be hell and I have been sentenced to be tormented by a....a....nothing till I go mad!'  
  
He lay down and sighed but suddenly!  
  
GGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
'Ha cant be dead of in hell if I'm still hungry! 'Then he was a man again, and his face fell.  
  
"What the hell am I going to eat! "He yelled at the darkness. He laughed at the realisation of what he had just sed.  
  
"Okay maybe this is hell and I'm going to go mad and then I'm going to be hungry for all time huh ?!"but there was no reply and the darkness simply swallowed up his words.  
  
More time passed and by now Sirius had fell into a depressed state, thinking of all the things he had done to deserve this. Then he started to think about the things that were gone, of Harry, Remus, the Order, of his chance of freedom. Finally he thought of James and Lilly, why wasn't he with them.....if he was dead he should be with them rite? Maybe this was it, no heaven or hell just nothingness an eternity alone in the darkness a shadow of life, to loose everything, is that what it means to die?  
  
"NO!" Sirius yelled to the nothingness that surrounded him.  
  
He fell to his knees. It was getting to him now, what he wouldn't give to be at home now it may be lonely there sometimes but not like this, and Azcaban was bad but compered to this..........at least there, there was something bars, other prisoners even the Demontors what he would give for any of them right now.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"All the frustration pent up inside him let out he felt empty......lost in the darkness. 


	2. Old friends in the darkness

Disclaimer: 'Puts paper bag over head' I don't own The Boy Who Lived or anyone in his world. 'Incoherent mumbling'

A/N: Well this chapter a little bit perkier than the last. The religious aspect is not meant to be insulting, I am open minded and am not prejudice in any way, this is just what I believe. Enjoy!

To Be Free.

Sirius stirred into the darkness around him his eyes glazed over, mind empty.

'No point in thinking I'll only get more depressed' he tried to convince himself.

He was pulled out of his stupor by a noise it was far off and muffled but getting closer and clearer.

He stood up looking for what was making the sound.

Slowly the sound became more clearer it was the sturdy foot falls of someone walking towards him.

It was getting closer he waited with bated breath. Wand at the ready.

A figure loomed out of the darkness a distant outline of a person. The person came closer until they were almost visible, but then they stopped.

Then a voice came out of the darkness it sounded like an echo distant considering the fact of how close the figure was. "In trouble again, ay Padfoot!?" Sirius knew that voice, but it couldn't be.

"J.. James?" He managed to stutter.

The figure took two steps closer and came into view. "The one and only!"

He looked exactly the same as he did all those years ago, just twenty years old looking so alive.

Yet he had a strange look on his face, of someone trying to look happy but just can't cover up the look of sorrow in there eyes.

Suddenly Sirius was overwhelmed with emotion, he didn't know what to do, weather to cry, jump for joy or go up and smack James around the face.

Then a thought occurred to him and his suspicious mind thought frantically, is this really James Potter.

Sirius swallowed to try and get rid of the lump in his throat, "Are you really James Potter?" He said this in a hoarse voice and he hoped that James.... this person, didn't notice the waver in his voice.

James put his hands in his pockets causing Sirius to take a duelling stance, the James in front of him didn't seem to notice, and simply began to shake his head.

"Typical Sirius you always needed proof didn't you?" James sighed and looked around.

"Okay, I am James Potter, we all went to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, along with Remus ..............._Peter _and Lily, who I married and had a baby son with. Harry. " There was a deferent emphasis on "Peter" one of complete and utter hatred. "That enough or do you want more?"

Sirius slowly stood strait wand still at the ready "Most people knew that" He resorted.

James sighed again and mumbled something under his breath that sounded like 'No respect for the dead.'

He continued "Right, Remus is a werewolf, and when we found out we decided to become unregistered Animagi, we accomplished this in our fifth year, you a dog, me a stag and...... Peter a rat." The waver in his voice showed that he was getting annoyed.

Sirius lowered his wand completely. "You really are James!" He couldn't surpress a smirk.

James nodded.

"I want to say....... sorry and thank you. "This shocked Sirius, James Potters apologies were few and far between.

"W.. what for?" Sirius questioned

"Sorry that you got sent to Azkaban for a crime you never committed, and thank you for finally looking out for Harry these past few years."

Sirius didn't have an answer for this his mouth had gone completely dry.

They stood there for a few minuets avoiding each others eyes both thinking intently.

'What the hell do you say to your dead best friend?' This one thought running over and over in Sirius' head.

'What can I say to him just thinking about what he's been through make me feel depressed how must he feel?' James' mind still racing.

Sirius liked his dry lips.

"How did you get hear, where is hear." He waved his arm around for emphasis.

James seemed to think for a moment then responded.

"Well it turns out there is no god, and there is not a heaven or hell either, where me and Lily are its not really something you can't describe..... Its just light and feeling.... like all things..... The essence of everything all mixed together... you can feel everyone and in a way see them.... cant believe I'm going to say this... In there purest most spiritual form...." James looked up seeming confused himself.

As he spoke Sirius noticed that James always talked with his hands something he had forgotten over the years.

"So your happy?" Sirius questioned.

"More than ever..." The waver in his voice told a different story, and Sirius could pretty much guess what it was.

Sirius just nodded then blinked. "Er you didn't actually answer my question, How did you get hear? Where is hear?"

James took his glasses off and cleaned them on his shirt. "Well Padfoot I surpose this is a kind of limbo or some where in between the land of the living and where me and Lily are..."

Sirius blinked. "I don't get it... I was hit with a curse but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the killing curse, so I don't think I died, I couldn't breath for a while but I sorted that out... I think." He rubbed his chin running over the duel with Bellatrix.

Shaking his head and changing his track of thought. "How do I get out of hear then?"

James looked almost sad. "You don't."

Sirius face became very serious (A/N: No pun intended) "That's not funny I have to get out!"

James shook his head. "The circumstances of you being hear are all wrong, your not dead but not quite alive, your not surpost to cross over yet, so your stuck hear." He looked off into the darkness surrounding them.

Sirius could only blink. "I... I'm not getting stuck in this hell hole! There has to be a way out!" He looked in all directions not sure what he was looking for but all he could see was the impenetrable blackness all around them.

Finally he hung his head and clenched his fists. "So what I'm stuck hear in the dark till I die?"

James grimaced at the deeply sad tone in his best friend voice. "That's what we figure..."

He couldn't believe it this couldn't happen to him every thing was just starting to go right, it was only a matter of time until they caught Wormtail, and got himself cleared, then he could give Harry the life he should of had away from those spiteful muggles.

He turned to face James, who was looking off into the distance as if hearing something.

"So...." He couldn't think of anything to say.

"I'm sorry Padfoot I know you don't want to believe me but what I say is the truth." James sighed seeing the hurt look on the animagi's face.

"You know this place is even worse than Azkaban, at least there I wasn't so alone, and it was never this dark or quiet, the other prisoners were always screaming or talking to them selves, and I managed to keep on the brink of sanity because I knew I was innocent, and before you came, I was hear for what a couple of hours, and I kept hearing things I could feel that line slipping away, not even a damn lumos spell could comfort me the darkness just seemed to swallow it, then you came and I thought that I was saved, but all you do is tell me I'm stuck hear."

James lowered his face mot wanting to look his old friend in the eyes.

Sirius shifted on his feet then turned his back on James, starring in to the darkness surrounding them, not wanting to think about James had just said, but his words wouldn't stop playing in his head.

"Padfoot... I can't stay much longer... I'm not really meant to be hear... I just..." James trailed off not knowing how to comfort his friend.

Sirius spun around and looked almost pleadingly into his friends eyes. He seemed to be disappearing, fading into the darkness around them.

"You ... You can't just leave me!" Thought of being alone in the dark void was to much for him.

"Padfoot there's only time left for you, there's no way you can get back not now, I'm sorry...." Even as he spoke his voice was becoming distant and muffled.

"James?"

Then suddenly Sirius was all alone in the dark again.

"James!"

No one answered him. He began to think doubting his sanity again, maybe James was never there and he just imagined it all.

It was a cruel sick joke and he was stuck hear, after a time of him just standing there a new emotion took over despair.

His legs buckled underneath him and he fell to his knees.

What now he didn't care, he lay himself down and closed his eyes, hoping that the end James had promised would come quickly, and end this hell.

His eyes drooped and he started to fall asleep ignoring the strange thing he would hear, he would lie hear and wait, wait for his time to finally come.

But in the dark abyss, now that he was alone and waiting in the far distance, he could hear voices echoing inconsistent far away but still there, and part of him knew if he opened his eyes those voices would stop, so he let himself slip into sleep, and his last thoughts before sleep could take him, he suddenly thought about it he didn't feel so alone in his fate.

He would think on it more when he woke up...........

A/N: Ib..... This turned out even more depressing that the book! I suck. That last bit isn't really like Sirius.... Oh well.

'Bangs head on computer desk' Self punishment, don't flame me.

Not sure if I should end it hear, it could but maybe there is a way for him to get back, but not in the way he would like.

Cogs in brain start working


End file.
